Movie Review Mondays: Nic Cage month part 1

Movie Reviews

Before I get started let me address the title of this entry and how exactly this came about.
I had originally planned to review some mediocre thriller staring Keanu Reeves that I decided to watch due to my friends obvious man crush on Mr. Reeves. However I had a beautiful epiphany this morning brought on by the sugar high I was receiving from my coffee and donut combo.  I should do a month of Nic cage films I haven’t seen yet! This is a big deal seeing I have seen many, many Cage films with my bro Alvaro.  So here we are, Nic cage month week 1!
Movie: Season of the Witch
Director: Dominic Sena

There is a strange sort of horrid yet wonderful appeal that all Nicholas Cage films seem to possess regardless of their genre and I am happy to report that Season of the Witch is no exception to this terrible rule. If you’re anything like me you love to hate the 2D action hero style acting Nicholas Cage has based his career around and to be honest this movie has been a shining example of it. The script for this movie is so splendidly awkward that I was cringing with delight through the whole film. The characters switch between dialogue that sounds like it was straight out of a good cop/bad cop film and a half assed ye olde rip-off Robin Hood.
Ron Pearlman also stars in this film as Sir Nicolas Cages BFF and about ten minutes of the film is spent showing us their time spent battling in the crusades. After showing us cheap CGI shots of different battles Nic does what he does best and suffers what I like to call “Hero Trauma”* which in turn triggers his-and his burly growth Sir Ron of Pearlmans- decision to betray the church and ditch those squares fighting in Gods name.


Let’s pretend it was actually triggered by his originality and belief in personal freedom.
I really don’t understand why we needed to see the Knighted equivalent to Beevus and Butthead fighting in the crusades when it’s referenced and flash backed to several times throughout the plot. It’s not like they had amazing CGI to show off in these scenes anyway and they contributed nothing to the film other then filling in ten minutes that could have been spent on something else.
Moving on to something completely different though. So to give you all a general idea of the plot it’s just about this group of men, including PearlCage, who are supposed to escort this witch chick to some city so she can be cleansed or some shit and the plague will then go away because… know….witches and the plague go hand in hand. Anyhooters, the team is made up of six men including our main men, the men go as follows:
Monk man- he’s a monk n’ shit
Pretty curly haired altar boy/ wanna-be knight- What he lacked in decent character development and personality he made up for in hair curlitude.
Shifty Motherfucker- He’s their guide to the religious town place, also a criminal. I still don’t see why they wouldn’t just send a monk who knew the way, there had to be at least one seeing as it seems like a place a monk ought to know.
Widowed and reasonable smart knight man- Let’s just call him Sir Awesomelot. He was really the only character of interest to me.
With a team like this I enjoy playing a little game I like to call “Which Character will die next?!”. I am happy to report I got it right every single time and I do think that merits an award.
Update: I walked away from typing this to grab myself an ice cream as a reward for winning my invented game against myself.
Back to the movie though. Like most Nic Cage films I enjoyed myself while watching this movie although I can look at it and acknowledge that it was a complete train wreck as far as writings concerned. The entire movie felt cheap and rushed, like the crew just slapped it together then stood back and thought “Meh, kind of looks like a good movie if you look sideways and squint a little bit”.
Overall I give this movie 3 Snakeskin jackets out of a possible 5. I might have given more if they had delivered one of his signature Cage freak out sessions.
If any of you want to watch Season of the Witch and play the “Which Character will Die Next?!” game feel free to check it out on Netflix (where I watch %90 of my movies). Post your results here if you play, if you get them all right then grab yourself some ice cream! You know what….grab yourself an ice cream anyway, you deserve it.
See you all tomorrow for my Trans Tuesday Blog, till then stay Tobly awesome.
End Note
* Hero Trauma: A Toby Term from the Tobtionary that refers to the instance when a hero suffers an event, such as a death, that was caused by them but kinda sorta technically isn’t their fault because of any number of cop out reasons. E.G. In this film Nicolas Cage kills a young woman while storming a village on crusade. Portrayed as his one great regret through the rest of the film BUT  this doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy because he told the commander to shove it and felt really super bad for the girls death. No really you guys, he was, like, heartbroken and stuff so you should empathise with him.

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