Director: Lee Tamahori
Oh, here we are again my wonderful readers! That magical time when I review a Nicolas Cage movie that I found on my best friend Netflix. It’s pretty obvious by this point that I have chosen to review Next this week, and seeing as I am slightly drunk on a semi-lactose coma, this should be a barrel of fun or some real bullshit.
Let’s get this freak-show on the road.
Let me start this by saying that I have a very special relationship with mindless action films. I respect them because they’re like a dirty cheap date, great to look at but lacking any real substance. You can enjoy them for what they are and they never try to be anything else and that is really something I can get on board with. Fact is, if I want some meta-hyper-crazy-deep film with an underlying message about our society I’ll watch a douchey hipster film (which I do enjoy). Now that we have that out of the way I can move on to actually talking to you folks about the God damn movie at hand. Which is Next.
Next started out as a super cheesy and lame action flick with no real substance, just like I wanted it to be. Nic Cage was sleazy, Jessica Biel was hot and Julianne Moore was a badass and left me somewhere between being turned on by her and incredibly scared of her….which isn’t necessarily a bad mixture. For those of you who are unaware, Next is about Nic Cage with psychic abilities that allow him to see two minutes into the future and, for some reason, Julianne Moore is convinced that his powers could help the FBI find a bomb threat. My issues begin here.
Normally I don’t nitpick with action films but this one pissed me off so now I’m going to be a dick to make up for what it did to me. First off, two minutes into the future?! Are you for fucking real? At the beginning of the movie Nic clearly says that he isn’t the only person with special abilities out there, so why does the government choose the one dude who can only see two minutes into the future and even then it’s only when it directly effects his life?..why I ask you! Why would the FBI even waste their time on some two bit magician with shitty powers when they could be using, gee I dunno, actual detective work to figure this shit out. They’re the FBI for Christ sake and you mean to tell me they don’t have the movie-verse resources so find one bomb? I refuse this reality and call bullshit. Raven Symone would be more effective in this scenario than this jackass.
You know what though, that’s okay, I can accept movie-verse laws every now and again for the sake of enjoying a movie with things that go pew-pew and ka-boom. Just as I was accepting this though they threw another huge cow turd of “what the actual-” straight at my face. Nic Cage can only see two minutes into his own future no matter what EXCEPT when it comes to Ms. Hotdamn Jessica Biel. For some reason he can see way further into her future, the amount of time is never actually said just that it’s “further than I’ve ever seen”. So you’d think something this Earth shattering and rule breaking for the character would play a bigger role in the plot. Haha, you’re cute. No it does not. It’s never explained why he can see further into her future and the only real purpose she serves is to get kidnapped and provide him with a some sort of way to see the bomb in the further in the future than he normally could. Never mind that you could have solved this issue plus my first issue by just fleshing out his powers more and making them not suck proverbial dick.
So to be honest with you guys my first two points are just there because I am butt hurt over the movies ending. If you haven’t seen Next and you don’t want spoilers please stop reading now.
Like right now.
Kay here it is.
The entire last half of the movie was a vision?! How? What? Never have I been so infuriated over a movie in my life. That’s probably a lie but I am pretty damn pissed. I was so shocked and angry that I just paused the movie and had to make myself a fucking cup of herbal tea to calm my shit. We go through all these shenanigans and do all this crazy Nic Cage style planning only to have him fuck up, the bomb explode, and then have it revealed to us that all of that was just a damn vision that he was able to see due to the Jessica Biel effect. Then he goes on some stupid monologue about futures and destiny and whatever else Nic Cage likes to talk about. The ending was anti-climactic and dull and just left me feeling empty inside. Like someone had shown me a chocolate cake and said “hey, so I made this cake but it doesn’t taste the best. It’s still a cake though and I know you love cake so I thought I’d give it to you anyway” then, being the nice guy that I am, I took a chance on that cake only to cut it open and find out it was hollow! A complete lie!
Shut up GlaDos…
I am so enraged by this outcome that I have no choice but to give this movie 1 hollow cake of broken dreams out of a possible 5. Didn’t see that coming now did you Nic Cage?
So this concludes my disappointed and shattered review of Next. As said, I can’t help feeling empty after watching this film. Maybe if I drink some alcohol I’ll feel better about some of my life choices including this terrible movie.
Thanks for reading everyone! See you tomorrow for Trans Tuesdays, till then stay Tobly awesome.