Movie: The Wicker Man
Director: I was laughing too hard, Niel Le something or rather
It’s happened you guys, the absolute unthinkable! In all my years I never thought my life would come to this yet here I am giving into my inner most pleasures. I’ve finally done it…..
Also I finally watched The Wicker Man despite every fibre of my being telling me to run in the opposite direction.
Let me level with you guys, I absolutely lov-hated this movie! It gave me everything I could ever want from my Cage and I have never felt so fulfilled from a movie in my entire life(porn doesn’t count). The Cagerific freakouts brought tears of beauty to my eyes and I watched on in sheer cringeworthy delight as he ran around yelling at women and dodging bees. Enough of my initial glee though, because I do have to actually review this movie rather than gush over the Cage.
I took note this time you guys so you know shits about to get real up in here. Also, observe my obvious professionalism that shows through in my note taking.
Alright before we get started here is a brief summary of the movie. Nic is a cop, he watched a girl and her mom die in this flaming car crash and goes all sadness and whatever (sorry Nic, don’t got time for your PTSD). Anyway, the real plot begins when he gets a letter from his foxy ex-fiance, Willow, asking for his help in finding her lost daughter. Nic then goes to where she lives to help her and hopefully get laid but the island is really big on matriarchy so he feels all weird like most men do about the feminism movement at the moment. Admittedly though the women in this movie are legit crazy and men should count their blessings that this is just a movie and just suck it up.
First off I want to address the amount of stupid people in this movie starting with Nicolas Cages coworker Mustache Mustachio, seriously though what this man lacks in brain he makes up for in facial hair. So when Officer Nic first gets the letter from Will-you-come-save-my-daughter-ow he shows it to Officer Mustache and what is Mustaches first reaction? Let the Kids real dad deal with it….So an officer of the law now knows that there is a possible missing child case in Washington and his first reaction isn’t to alert the local authorities? What the fuck Mustache? How did you even get on the force and shame upon you! Next I want to pick on Cage himself for also being an officer of the law and going into a possible child abduction case without telling local authorities what the fuck is going down with the get down. You guys are officers! Come the fuck on already.
Moving on though because I really want to get around to the movies portrayal of women and the allusion to Wicca. Now I’m not crazy into the whole “Gasp this random popular form of media is an obviously anti-religious/anti-feminist/anti-lgbt sentiment!” thing, I don’t try to read to far into films. Wicker Man though, oh geeze. They do realise they are dealing with a species that boycotted Harry Potter due to it’s magic? Right? So why would you show those kinds of people a movie that villainizes powerful women and a spiritual religion they obviously based off Wicca. Before you all go “Toby, I think you’re reading too far into this. This obviously isn’t a statement about gender” let me tell you a fun fact that I learned. Nic’s last name, Mallus, is a combination of the words Male and Phallus….look it up. His name is literally Sir Penis O’Manington the very Manly Man….man. Plus the gender of both sides is brought up constantly. Maybe if it was handled a bit better and made the women look not so mental it would’ve felt a bit less “man-power! Women should never be given authority because they obviously hate men!” and would’ve felt more like “This town is full of crazies, GTFO NIC!”. Also I am pretty sure this set me back in my transition because even my future testosterone injections were afraid of the women in this movie. Excuse me while I get my shimmy shudders all out. Eugh.
Can I also say that learning about the bees scene only being in the extended cut of the movie almost ruined me. My entire reason for downloading and watching this God Damn gorgeous train wreck was to see Nic scream about the bees. I ended up finding out after the movie finished that I had downloaded the theatrical version which lacked the bees! Who would even knowingly offer that for download? Why would anyone do themselves the dishonourable gesture of watching the theatrical over the extended? I would hunt that person down personally and sit them down and have a very long chat about why they’re wrong.
The bees were the real stars of this movie.
I think the main issue with reviewing this movie is finding something to say that hasn’t already been said. Everyone and their mom pretty much has their own opinion floating around the net so pretty much all the points I would want to cover have been beaten dead with a baseball bat full of nails. I could talk about the horrid acting, but that goes without saying
Or maybe I could touch on the script? But even Nic Cage tried to cover for it realising how bad it was. So really what else in there to say about this?
I enjoyed it enough to sit through it but if it wasn’t for my odd sort of relationship with Nic Cage I really do think this movie might’ve put me to sleep. I’m going to have to give this movie 3 sassy bee stings out of a possible 5.
I still haven’t decided what actor or genre I’m going to focus on for next month….Either way we still have one more Nic Cage film to go for next week so suggestions are very welcome!
Till tomorrow you guys, stay Tobly awesome!