Welcome to the first Monday of June and the review of the first in new series! This month I’ll be reviewing the Red Riding British crime trilogy! These movies are all available through Canadian Netflix so that’s how I view them because I may be a cheap asshole but I support the movie industry….sometimes.
Movie: Red Riding 1974
Director: Julian Jarrold
I am so excited to be reviewing this trilogy seeing as it was recommend to me based off my love of Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, and I will explain to you all why that is relevant later on in the review but for now I want to focus on the overall quality and story of the movie. Red Riding 1974 is a British crime drama set in 1974 that revolves around the recent killings on some little girls and a journalist who is trying to link their murders as well as investigate corruption within the police system. The movie stars Andrew Garfield and really helps confirm for me that I do indeed have a huge attraction to him that has breached undeniable levels.
Boy has some intense fucking sideburn game in this film. 10/10
The Bean is also in it as the villain, so the movie obviously gains even more points for that.
Now taking bets on how long he survived the movie!
Moving past the synopsis and the cast though (all of which were stunning actors) and onto the part where my snot-nosed movie nerd side takes hold and I spiral into obscure references and hipster chat. Which, by the way, I totally liked the BBC before it was cool….
Where to start with this one? The problem I always find myself having when I watch a movie I actually end up enjoying is finding the right words to convey my positive review. It’s far easier to convey the idea of a movie being so terrible that it makes you feel like vomiting on everything the film makers love then it is to explain why a movie helped restore your faith in the world. I guess after a whole month of cheap Nic Cage entertainment, this slow paced intellectual piece was well appreciated. Here we are, that’s where we’ll start. The actual tone of the movie!
Sullen, dark, and as dreary as a fog covered morning in spring. Every part of this movie just felt as though it had been washed over with mundane grey paint and felt like every moment lasted forever. The slow pace of the movie really forced you to concentrate and gave you time to really focus on all the information that the characters kept throwing at you. In any other case I would find movies with slow pacing and bland cinematography to be boring as shit and completely unable to hold my attention past the first ten minutes but, much like Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, it all worked together incredibly well! The movie dealt with everything in a very sobering light despite the fact that the murders that happen with the film are brutal as all hell. The little girls dead body had fucking swan wings sown onto it’s back. I actually rewound the movie and watched that part again to make sure I was actually understanding that bit of information correctly.
It’s like going for a relaxing walk on a dull day, nothing all too inspiring but it’s enjoyable none the less, then suddenly; BAM! a streaker runs out in front of you with a rainbow coloured dick singing the star spangled banner. Your first thought being “Is he naked?” followed by “Yeup! Naked rainbow dick man,” and finished with the thought “…don’t we live in Canada? Why is he singing star spangled banner? Is he American?”
That entire convoluted scenario might just properly convey to you all how the deaths in this movie complete jar you away from the rest of the film. I want to tell you of another brutal death but it would spoil something so you all will just to watch it to see.
Just know that it sounds like a death befitting Final Destination.
Up next I really want to talk to you all about the costumes in this movie. God, I love the seventies. The wardrobe in this movie make me want to fluff my hair, light a cigarette and speak in an unintelligible British accent. The huge fluffy hair and side burns, the flared pants and those gaudy pattern shirts are all where it’s at. You also get to see The Bean in a white turtle neck that hugs all them curves so that’s a major feast for your unworthy eyes. Am I joking? Who knows! While we are on the topic of small things that made the movie good, Robert Sheehans eyes. Nothing else about him, other then the fact that he played a gay prostitute named B.J. Those eyes are like perfect galaxies hidden behind a waterfall of glossy dark curls. Damn son, back dem eyes up!
I’m sure you have B.J. and you could give us all some mighty fine pointers.
This movie honestly wasn’t perfect. I felt as though the movie started off by promising less of a romantic plot but at one point it turned into a full blown movie about Andrews love of a mother of one of the “disappeared” girls. Sure, romance is nice as a side plot, but when you promise me blood and give me numerous sex scenes you make me a sad, sad man. The movie did start super slow and had it not been for the promise of it being a good movie I might have given up on it at first. I’m glad I didn’t in the end but, damn. A warning that anyone who isn’t used to accents should keep in mind; don’t watch the movie without subtitles. I’m used to accents seeing as most of the shows I love come from the BBC so I didn’t need them but someone like my mom (who has a hard time understanding Sherlock) might want to stick some subtitles on seeing as almost every line in this movie is of the absolute most importance to the plot line. Even B.J.’s cock sucking line has it’s purpose in establishing how much of a skank he is….love you Beej.
Overall this movie earns itself 4 out of 5 possible sucked cocks. Next week I’ll be reviewing the second movie in this trilogy so if you haven’t watched this first one by then please be prepared for spoilers.
See you all tomorrow for Trans Tuesdays, till then stay Tobly awesome.