Let’s chat a bit today about feelings. I’ve written here before talking about how certain things make me feel but I have never actually discussed emotions on a day to day basis. It has become a red flag for me on tumblr when I notice all these young Trans men and women feeling depressed, weird and angry over everything their bodies put them through on a daily basis. I see a lot of them crying and screaming in an effort of easing the pain of their own skin feeling too tight and malformed. It’s a horrific feeling wanting to just rip off pieces of your own body in a desperate but futile attempt to finally just feel like you for once.
I know how that feels and sometimes it feels like it’s too much to handle and you can swear that you’re just breaking down and you never want to get back up again. You just want to lay on the floor and think about nothing and forget that you were ever born any different then the way you know you are inside. Sometimes you actually want to get back up and try to function but that self loathing and anger just drags you back down again. I know about all of that and it sucks. That’s really all there is to it. It plainly sucks. No use finding bigger and fancier words because there is no way of spinning this eloquently, you’re angry as fuck at no one in particular and it sucks.
I wish I wasn’t born in the wrong body, that I either felt like the girl that I appeared to be or that I was born the man that I really am. There is no way of fixing the past though and I have to suck it up and keep moving forward with the positivity that when I am old and wrinkly I can become “The grumpy old man that whistles on his porch and throws acorns at the neighbourhood kids”…..or Dumbledore. Preferably Dumbledore but I’m not all that picky. In the future I’ll become the cool “Uncle” to my sisters future kids and they’ve never see me any other way. People are expecting me to be a female comic creator and be a good role model for girls when really I want to be a role model for anyone who sees me fit to be. I’m not what my body appears to be, I am who I am and who that is, is Toby Medeiros. I’ve never been anyone else.
I’ve come to peace in a round a bout sort of way with the way I am perceived by people and I’ve learned to pick my battles and savour every victory no matter how small but I realise some are not in a position as fortunate as I am. I have a roof over my head, and even though my parents don’t accept that I’m Trans they haven’t kicked me out as of yet. I have a job and friends that are supportive of my decision and help me through the tough times. I am lucky enough to have a beautiful girlfriend who is patient and understanding with me even though I’m a stubborn work-a-holic. I am a very lucky guy as far as a lot of aspects of my life goes and I realise there are so many Trans men and women that are going through the same thing I am going through but in a far more dangerous environment. I commend any of you out there that is going through this all in the hardest way possible, I feel bad complaining when I think that way.
I know that some of you reading this out there on the internet are Trans yourself, so how do you feel? Are you okay? Hows your transition going? Do you have someone safe you can talk to about these things? Make sure you do please. I can’t stress to you all enough how important it is to have someone to stand by you and listen to you bitch about the shitty hand you’ve been dealt. If you don’t have anyone you can message me and I’ll listen. Or I urge you to call a local support group or counselling service in you area. If there isn’t one in your area there are also several online sources to for you access.
These are just two of my favourite sites out there at the moment.
Trans-Man.org is a great place for Trans man resources and even contains some Q&A questions. This site helped me out a lot so that when I started my therapy I was able to tell my therapist exactly what I wanted and needed and he was able to better help me contact the doctors I needed and deal with the processes that I wanted to get done. Site I believe may still be down for some maintenance but they still have a few helpful links posted.
MTF Confessions On Tumblr is a page that allows all you Trans Ladies out there to post anon about anything youmay be feeling or experiencing. It’s also somewhat reassuring when you can visibly read that you’re not alone in how you’re feeling. Even though I’m FTM I follow this blog because a lot of the feelings are transferrable.
So there you have it. Some feelings straight from the mouth of the jackass himself. If in some small way this entry helped you as much as it helped me to write it then I am happy, if not….well it still felt good writing it anyway. Maybe I’ll keep this site suggestion thing going with suggesting a new site or Tumblr account every week as well. Not one of my worst ideas.
Anyway everyone, see you tomorrow for my artsy Wednesday Blog, till then stay Tobly awesome!
I know I am!