How about “No”

Personal Posts

Another post related to Trans* things! I Blog about other things, it’s just that I- screw it. My blog, and I’ll talk about what I want without the need for excuses. Moving along.


I want to have a little sit down/ real talk about the Transgender dating scene. I have said before that this is something I wanted to blog about and recently Boyfriend brought it up again. I am always reading articles about things like “10 things you should know before dating a Transman” or “Transmen do it better!” and I feel like they gloss over a lot of the real issues transgender individuals face when it comes time to dating. I feel like these articles make us sound like some exclusive breed of human that requires you to brand some sort of certificate in order to date us. It just makes me feel like people are handling me like I’m some sort of collectible or weird social justice trophy.

My history in the dating field has been mostly positive and I can’t say anyone has ever abused me since coming out as Trans*. I will say that I’ve experienced people treating me with children’s gloves, and even being “fake” about respecting my pro-nouns. It can sometimes feel like they are trying really hard to show you they see you as a man and it ends up feeling forced. I want to go on a date and have fun, I want to forget that I am trans and just be treated like a human being. It’s really hard to do this when people feel like they are taking a test and reading cheat notes off the palm of their hand;

“You have pretty eyes- oh wait, is “pretty” offensive? I’m so sorry. I meant to say you have, uh, manly eyes? Handsome eyes! You are handsome. Handsome man, very man and not at all a female,”

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Dude, relax. I’ve told guys they have pretty eyes and I’m sure you have as well and it’s really not a huge deal. Anything you would say to a cisgendered man, you can say to me. I don’t want my date to feel like they are walking on eggshells or thinking they need a Ph.D in Gender studies. At the same time I don’t want to be treated like I am one of their course requirements for such a class.

Let’s make one thing clear, if you spend our whole date talking about Trans* rights and how “in tune” you feel with the Transgender community I will fall asleep on you. You have agreed to go on a date with me, I immediately take this as you being down with me having the right to pee in whatever washroom I feel comfortable with. You don’t have to prove to me that you are down with the Trans* kids by basically reciting the wikipedia article about gender identity. I am dating you as a human and I hope you are dating me for the same reason. I want to get to know you and I would hope that you would want to get to know me, because otherwise I am just worried you’re only dating me because I am transgender.

On the other end of the spectrum there are the people who pretend to care about your gender identity. These people will call you by your proper pro-nouns but still talk to you like a girl. Trust me it’s very distinct. I’m going to use a personal account as an example.

So I met this guy through a hook-up site, I won’t say which one or how we got in contact, he seemed alright so we started messaging. I asked him what his sexual orientation was, a standard question when you’re in a position such as mine, and he said he was straight. Already alarm bells are going. So I explain to him that despite being a cool dude, which he totally was, I don’t go with straight guys. He then insists that he see’s me as a man and that he has been questioning his sexuality lately.

Transgender people are not your free pass to test out your sexuality. We are not emotionless sex bots nor are we a good idea if you are indeed questioning. I feel as though if you’re not sure about your sexual orientation sleeping with a pre-T transman will not clear things up for you, merely confuse you further.

This tool-nugget then continued to talk to me as if I was a woman in an attempt to convince me that sleeping with him was a good idea;

“You’re just so beautiful and I really feel as though you can help me find myself. I bet you look cute in men’s clothes,”

Cool, good for you. Keep thinking that while I go have sex with someone who respects me, have fun playing with yourself while I get laid.

Now let me just say, if you’re also Trans* you’re guilty of a few faux pas yourself. If you’re transgender and I message you on a dating app asking you about yourself and you can’t tell me anything outside the fact that you’re transgender, I lose interest. What kind of books do you read? Whats your favourite food? Do you like the rain? Whats your opinion on *insert topical issue here*? And if the only reason why you like me is because I’m also Trans* then that’s a really shallow reason to like someone. I want you to like me because I’m funny, or smart or because I make you happy. I don’t want you to like me because of our shared gender identity. It makes me feel like that’s the only postive thing you see in me.

I have a lot more to say about this topic but words can be boring and long articles can be daunting so I’ll limit myself. For now.

Point being; Date me because you like me, and if you like me then all I ask is that you respect me. It’s really not that complicated. You don’t need a rule book, honestly I am okay with correcting you on something you honestly messed up on as long as you’re treating me no differently than you would any other guy. That was one of the things that drew me to my current partner. He just treated me like a person and didn’t make a big deal about my gender. I said I was a guy and that was that.

For my fellow Transgender romance hunters, date people who like you for you. You deserve love/sex just as much as anyone else and you shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting that. Just be yourself and the right person will come to you.

Well that’s really all for now folks, maybe I’ll do a part 2 if I feel as though it’s needed in the future but until then stay Tobly awesome

I know I will.


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