Dear Fake Allies,
I don’t like you. It’s not in the homoerotic subtext way that you all seem to think exists between all male characters in your desperate attempts to be LGBT allies without actually doing anything. Nor is it the kind of hate you think ALL straight people who aren’t you harbor for the queer community. You are not some straight savior that we are going to worship and thank and invite into some secret underground gay club. Just because you play the hype man for your own queer fanart and fanfiction doesn’t mean you have the right to tell us how to feel or when we should be offended by something. It also doesn’t make you better than the people who watch lesbian porn.
In fact, I would rather hang out with them than you. You display absolutely no interest in me until the tags #trans #queer or #lgbt are added to my posts. You don’t like me, you like the idea of having a gay friend. You want to introduce me to all your suburban little friends and look like the hip open-minded one with the gay trans guy as a bestie. You complain about how the media brainwashes people but then allow the media to tell you that you need a sassy gay friend to help you pick out your clothes, make you over or help you chose the right guy. Well I’m sorry but you and your green and blue ombre hair (as cool as it is) have been misinformed. I know nothing about fashion. You trust me to put makeup on your face and I WILL make you look like the bride of Chucky and, honestly, I probably have worst taste in men than you do.
I’m not saying the queer community is devoid of any issues what-so-ever, we have a ton and we need to fix that. I’m not talking about us right now though, I am talking about you and deflecting the issue doesn’t constitute as a counter point. It counts as you not admitting you’re too self involved to actually give a damn about gay people.
Instead of talking about the male characters you ship, try supporting the already existing queer media that’s out there. Instead of treating us like we are an accessory, don’t deny it happens, try treating us like a friend. We got our own issues to deal with on a day-to-day basis and we don’t need some over privileged kid asking us which boy we think looks cuter.
If you want to be an ally then try actually helping us, watching Rupauls Drag Race doesn’t count. Don’t pretend to care, actually care. If you don’t care then don’t act like you’re Daenerys TarGAYryen mother of Queers. We don’t need your fake love. We already have problems within our own community we need to fix and we don’t need you to be one of them. It’s like throwing Flubber into a room of unstable china cabinets! That shit is already on some shaky ground and it doesn’t need your crazy green ass bouncing off the walls like a ADHD child on crack. Get that nonsense out of here.
I would say your intentions are good but we both know they aren’t. Dont sit back and pretend you’re one of those genuine little ladies that actual care about us, we know your kind. You smell like La Senza and your sassy t-shirts with the word “fetch” gives you away. Oh, you think Mean Girls resonates with you? I would have never guessed.
I guess what I’m saying is that we don’t need you. We need real friends who don’t run fake smiles and fake tans. So take your oversized sun hats and your nasty DIY acid wash jeans and go find someone who can’t see right through you. Make way for the straight allies who actually give a damn.
FYI, Maybe you need to spend some time figuring out why you seek acceptance from someone based upon something like sexuality rather than actively seeking it. Just sayin’ it may be a good idea.
Avoiding you like the Plague,
A Queer whose sick of sitting through conversations about American Horror Story.
Ps. You may not call me your “fag” anymore than you can call your one black friend the “N” word. Using words that are traditionally offensive does not make you “edgy”, it just makes you a jerk.