Depression is a funny thing, it affects us all in different ways but in the end there is no denying it makes us feel terrible. Depression sucks and the worst part about it is that once you start giving in to it, it begins to spiral out of control and you feel yourself losing grip of the things that once made you happy.
I recently discovered something about the way my particular brand of depression manifests and I don’t know how I never noticed it before.
I get truck loads of pure energy out of nowhere and for seemingly no reason at all. Which sucks when you live in a town with nothing to do past 6pm on a Saturday night. This energy isn’t necessarily happy energy. It’s just truck loads of jittery energy and I feel the need to dance or move or do something social. A part of me knows that if I don’t, the crash will be devastating. It always is.
There is a catch to go along with this. Even if I do expel the energy there is no guarantee the depression won’t just show up anyway. It’s a gamble. Stay in and wait for the crash or go out and possibly crash around people and then spend the rest of the night hiding it.
Once the energy does start to deplete I am left with the worst depression I have ever felt in my life. I want to just lay down and feel sorry for myself.
“No one cares about you”
“You’re all alone”
“Do you really think your friends actually like you?”
I know I have to just push through, I have work to do and deadlines to meet. It can be maddening though and my work ethic doesn’t always win no matter how hard I try. I can’t help but hate myself.
It’s been significantly better since I started my hormones treatments but I still have my days. That’s the thing though, isn’t it? My depression and my gender identity are two different creatures. My gender dysphoria I felt lent to my depression, it fed the beast in a way. HRT came along and calmed the disphoria but that’s about as far as it can go, the rest is up to me.
I use to feel bad about still feeling depressed after hormones, like deep down I was being ungrateful for the opportunity to live the life I needed. I know that’s not true now. You can have everything you could possibly want and still slip into depression. Why? Depression is your mental health, it’s your body, it’s not what’s around but what’s inside. We all know this by now, right?
I won’t tell you how to handle your depression, we all cope in different ways and I get that. I get hyper and then I crash and burn. I will say that it’s important to take care of your mental health and maybe you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself for feeling miserable when everything around you is sunshine and roses. Having a run in with depression should be treated in the same way as catching the flu. Sure you can take preventative measures but sometimes it happens anyway. It’s not your fault, just take care of it and yourself. Battle depression just like you would the flu. See your doctor if you need to but never ever blame yourself for having it.
I know this weeks post was a bit less funny and sarcastic than usual but I felt the need to just kind of get it all off my chest.
Take care of yourselves folks, you’re all tobly awesome!