Why Pan feels like wasted potential.

Movie Reviews

Have you ever been to an art gallery and seen a painting that you think you like at first but the longer you stare at it the more you start to see why it’s shoved in the dark corner beside the Janitors closet. The colours don’t match, the canvas size is irregular in an unsettling sort of way and the message is muddied by, what appears to be, a splat of paint caused by the artist sneezing and deciding to go with it. As if that wasn’t enough you can almost make out some Kanji on the right hand side of the painting that is apparently supposed to read “Faith” but actually says “Fart Giraffe”. Well now imagine that painting became a movie and you’re left with Pan.

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Pan is the whimsical tale of how Peter Pan went from an orphanage in London to Neverland, seems like a pretty solid concept and upon first hearing it I was sold. I would be lying if I said I didn’t put off watching because I was immediately irked by Tiger Lily’s design but I’ll touch on that later. I had been feeling under the weather a few weeks ago and kids films always tend to cheer me up and, after burning through everything I had already seen millions of times, I decided to give the movie a shot. Maybe everything surrounding Tiger Lily would be good enough for me to ignore how terrible her casting and design ended up being.

It almost was.

The first bit of the movie, up to her introduction actually, was really entertaining. I always go into children’s movies with child like expectations. I want excitement and adventure and I want them both in large supply and for the first little while I got lots of it. They hooked me. I wanted to see more of Blackbeard, I wanted to know why Hook would eventually betray Peter, and I wanted to watch more of Levi Miller being an adorable Peter Pan. With Hook, Peter and Mr. Smee adventuring to find “the natives” it was shaping up to be a grand old-time. Then they find the natives.

Let me tell you. Nothing is more hilarious than having a white male character say “It’s a native” and having the camera pan up to a pale white girl looking like she got ready for Coachella in the craft section of a dollar store. I just couldn’t take the movie seriously from that point on. I was okay with that though seeing as I was already prepared to hate this part of the film. I went into this movie knowing that they seemed to really want to make Tiger Lily white and as offensive to any POC people out there as humanly possible. Doesn’t mean it didn’t stop me from laughing at how stupid the whole thing was.

Note: I will be using the term “Native” a lot to describe them seeing as I don’t view them as any sort of true representation of Indigenous for First Nations people of any sort. I see them as something entirely different.

As the movie continues and you’re introduced to the rest of the natives I was able to see a glimmer of what they were trying to achieve with the Neverland Natives. It’s obvious they wanted to push forward an idea of the Natives being a multi-cultural community with people from different backgrounds coming together to form a whole new culture. Neato! Except it feels like they typed “indigenous People” into google and held whatever they found together with glitter glue and pipe cleaners.

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You think this is a joke?

I am not exaggerating in the least. Gatta love how the only white person there is the main character. If the Neverland “natives” are a wholly different culture and meant to just be a hodge podge then why not just keep Tiger Lily as she was? Why make her white? Don’t even get me started on aging her and making the love interest of Hook…Don’t even.
Moving right along because this “masterpiece” just goes down hill. From this point on the writers literally looked at the original Peter Pan and laughed in the face of continuity.
Spoilers below folks, warning you now.
They make Smee betray Peter and Hook (Smee is the only POC in the main cast by the way…just a fun observation) which leads to Smee no longer being loyal to Hook and going off with Blackbeard. They then further drive home Hooks boner for Tiger Lily and by this point I have almost given up on trying to enjoy this movie but I need to know what breaks Hook and Peters friendship.
The final battle arrives and I am excited to see how this turns out! Even after they plummet Smee to his death I determined to stick it till the end. They win the battle and all is well but I am no longer invested in this awkward waste of my time by this point. I wish I could give a better description other than “pretty colours” but I was glazed over.  Peter, Hook and Tiger Lily then return to Peters original orphanage and take all the orphan boys and then sail aboard a newly commandeered Jolly Roger into the night joking about how they will always be friends!
Yep.
That’s it. Peter and Hook are all “Oh what jolly good friends we are! Twould be a disaster if something terrible should happen to this fine friendship we have formed!”.
This is supposed to be an origin story and I am certain I was not the only person watching who wanted to see some glimmer of how James Hook would become Captain Hook. If anything he begins the movie as more of a villain than he ends it. James Hook ends up a hero,  a man of honor and loyalty without a single hint of who he may become. I would have an easier time believing you if you had told me Smee would come back from the dead and become Captain Hook later on.
What started off as a movie with promise and interest quickly devolved into a messy fan fiction, the only thing missing was a fan made character featuring better writing than any of the original cast of characters.

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Oh wait.
Joe Wright should have just written an original story rather than trying to make an origin story for a character that doesn’t really need one. The original Robin Williams Hook gave us everything we already needed for Peter Pan origins.
I would say that if you are going to sit down and watch this movie to just watch it for the first little bit and for Hugh Jackman’s performance as Blackbeard. He is the only really well written character in the movie and he makes a very good villain for a children’s adventure movie.
Don’t take my word for it though. I encourage you to form your own opinion on this movie, maybe you’ll disagree with me or maybe you’ll have some insights I lack. Check it out for yourself if you want, I watched if for free on my parents Shomi so… ya know…no real loss for me.
I’ll be returning to normal blog posts soon times, I promise. These little movie reviews are just good warm ups to get me into writing again.
I have had a busy few weeks so maybe it’s time for a life update blog, we will see.
Anyway folks, till next time, stay tobly awesome.

I know I will.

Look who’s Back!(spoiler: It’s Hitler)

Movie Reviews

I recently had the pleasure of watching a German Dark Comedy and Social Commentary titled “Look Who’s Back”. The movie follows everyone’s favourite monster Adolf Hitler as he finds himself magically transported to modern-day Germany where he ends up quickly becoming a popular comedian. The movie starts out kind of silly and very aware of the kind of humour they are playing with, but it ends with a very bitter commentary about how little we have all really changed since Hitler took power.

I would urge you to stop reading this right now and go watch the movie. A lot of what I am going to say will spoil a lot in the interest of aiding me in my points.


A friend of mine came to me a few months ago with this film understanding my terrible sense of humor and my fascination with the darker side of history. The amount of research I have done into the Nazi Regime and it’s effects on Germany is stupid, especially since I will probably never do anything with this information. As soon as she told me it was a “comedy about Hitler in modern Germany” I was interested but not enough to jump on it immediately. Fast forward to last week when I found myself in the mood for a dumb comedy, I thought “Look who’s back” would be that movie. I was in for a shock.

The film starts out with a few well placed jokes and a bit of a silly undertone to help displace the sense of unease you feel over watching Adolf Hitler walking through present day Berlin.Watching Oliver Mascucci as a confused yet determined Hitler is both amusing and terrifying in equal amounts, especially as he begins to interview the people of Germany. It isn’t long before racism, prejudice and fear-mongering brings the previous Dictator fame as a Comedian who tells it like it is. It’s okay though, because it’s all just a joke! Right?

As the viewer you sit in horror as the jokes seamlessly fade away and you watch as people are pulled in and their locked up prejudices are justified. There is a scene when a TV station employee brings up to his boss how offensive it is to be idolizing a Hitler impersonator, he is told to lighten up and to stop being ridiculous. People are just falling for this man as he asks them about the problems in their society. Immigrants they say.

Your heart sinks and you think “No. No. This wouldn’t happen again”.


Oh, but it would. Hitler in the movie doesn’t mention anything too radical and anything people deem as “offensive” is marked off as satire. You can’t help but draw lines between this and the Trump campaign. I’m not saying Trump is a genocidal maniac, what I am saying is that a fully developed society can be lead into putting their faith in a leader possessing nothing but the ability to play on fear. You would think we have evolved into a world were everyone knows how to think for themselves and is able to question everything yet you listen to some folks voting for Trump and you can’t help but feel concern.

It’s not even really about Trump compared to Hitler at this point, instead it’s about people. The people voting for Trump are so desperate for the things he is promising that they don’t stop to think how he will achieve these things. Case and point: Immigrants. I won’t even begin to get into just how much of the American tech industry relies on University educated immigrants to fill high paying positions due to the lack of qualified Americans. Makes you wonder what would happen when these immigrants are either forced out or denied entry to begin with before the American education system is given a chance to play catch up with an equivalent amount of graduates. None of that matters though because a Politician said he could make it better for you, he can iron out all the specifics once he takes office I’m sure.

You see, we want people to come in and make all our problems go away and in the heat of the moment we don’t care how. They’re the politician after all and they should have all the answers. We think we would never make the same mistakes again and let someone in that may hurt us in the long run but to be honest you just don’t know sometimes. It can be hard to read people, to work out how honest they are or how serious they may be about something.  For risk of sounding cheesy, I think that’s the cruelest joke “Look who’s back” plays on its viewer. We have to watch as Germans, once again, begin to put their trust in the man who destroyed them so many years ago.


I’ll urge you once again to take the time to watch this movie. Oliver Mascucci does an amazing job as Adolf Hitler and the supporting cast does a wonderful job in breaking up the uncomfortable way Mascucci makes you feel. I want to watch this movie again just because I loved it so much but I feel like I need a few more showers before I’m ready for another viewing just yet.
I’ve been in a writers slump for a while and I’ve been unable to string any thoughts together to make a post but writing this has made me feel a bit better! I really enjoyed writing a sort of review/commentary about a movie I liked and I think I’m going to do a few more until I get my mojo back. Thank for reading folks

Till next time, stay tobly awesome!

I know I will.

Movie Review Mondays: Red Riding Trilogy part 2

Movie Reviews

I have illustration work and the worlds most photogenic cat that’s in need of some pettings so let’s not fuck around and get this magical and heart-warming show on the road!
Movie: Red Riding Trilogy 1980
Director: James Marsh
Here we are again, same Bat-station, relatively same Bat-time with the second installment of the Red Riding Trilogy that takes place 7 years after the first movie with an all new cast of characters!…Well mostly.
First and foremost I want to just say that this one was miles better than the first movie. As much as I have a man-crush on Andrew Garfield, my girlfriend may or may not feel the need to be more than a bit concerned over this fact, I found this movie so much more engaging and far better put together. The corruption within the police system that was introduced in the first movie really came through far more clear in it’s sequel.
This sequel follows the story of a Yorkshire investigator looking into a case about a serial killer known as the Yorkshire ripper, instead he finds police corruption that leads back to the first film.
Warning: Seeing as this is a review of the sequel there will be spoilers for the first movie Red Riding 1973.
I want to try to type this review as well formatted as humanly possible but I honestly just want to gush about the film incoherently like we’re teenage girls that just left the theatre after the first screening Twilight. The acting, the cast, the directing, even the story tempo, was far better executed than the first. It really felt like the director had a better feel for pacing in this movie and it really came across in the portrayal of the plot. Don’t even get me started on how much better the romantic relationship in this movie was handled. The last film felt as though the sex scenes and romance muddled out the corruption of the police force.
The lead actor, I believe his name is Warren Clarke, was amazing. I will admit that I was so distracted by the film that I forgot to take notes, that should tell you that this man has the ability to hold an audience. I’m an acting snob, so for me, an actor who can make me forget they’re acting makes a huge difference towards my enjoyment of a good movie. Regardless of genre.

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Ya know?
Side note: My love of Nic Cage is the exemption to this rule.
Just looking back on the movie I realise that Sean Harris(reprising his role from the first film as a corrupt cop Bob Craven) has some serious issues with personal space.

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Some serious issues.
So the plot was great, the acting was ace and the directing was wonderful. What more could a guy ask for?
Boobies? In a movie about murdered Sex workers I’d rather not be confusing sexy times with death times.
Booms? Naw, explosions would have been too cheap for this film.
Barbers? As much as I love Sweeney Todd, I think the Yorkshire Ripper had the killing covered.
So what then? Well I’ll tell you what!

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BJ!
No Sean Harris, not that kind of BJ.
You all remember BJ from the first film, the gay male prostitute with the pretty eyes that could turn even the straightest of men.

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Just as a reminder.
As soon as I saw him I scurried over to IMDB to confirm that it was indeed my sweet, sultry prostitaught from the first time around and sure enough there he was, Robert Sheehan. It seems I picked the right random character from the first movie to obsess over. I am seriously going to cackle in derpy glee if he is in the final movie. I really want to know now but I can’t check till next week Sunday. Cruel. 
BJ’s connection to the last movie was awesome as all hell and I won’t spoil it all for you, I’ll just say that it’s well worth a watch and well tied up.
I originally had my rating at a 4/5 but after the little plot point they had with BJ I’m going to pump them up to a pure 5 beautiful bodacious BJ’s out of 5. This movie was so totally my thing and I loved every second of it. It really makes me want to read the books that they’re all apparently based upon, something tells me I would like the writer. As usual if you guys want to watch along with me every week, Red Riding 1980 is currently available on Netflix Canada. I’d love to hear any of your opinions, so give it a watch and post your own review! Don’t just take my word for it.
Well till tomorrow, stay Tobly awesome everyone!
Sean Harris!

Movie Review Mondays: Red Riding Trilogy 1974

Movie Reviews

Welcome to the first Monday of June and the review of the first in new series! This month I’ll be reviewing the Red Riding British crime trilogy! These movies are all available through Canadian Netflix so that’s how I view them because I may be a cheap asshole but I support the movie industry….sometimes.

Movie: Red Riding 1974
Director: Julian Jarrold

I am so excited to be reviewing this trilogy seeing as it was recommend to me based off my love of Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, and I will explain to you all why that is relevant later on in the review but for now I want to focus on the overall quality and story of the movie. Red Riding 1974 is a British crime drama set in 1974 that revolves around the recent killings on some little girls and a journalist who is trying to link their murders as well as investigate corruption within the police system. The movie stars Andrew Garfield and really helps confirm for me that I do indeed have a huge attraction to him that has breached undeniable levels.

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Boy has some intense fucking sideburn game in this film. 10/10
The Bean is also in it as the villain, so the movie obviously gains even more points for that.

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Now taking bets on how long he survived the movie!
Moving past the synopsis and the cast though (all of which were stunning actors) and onto the part where my snot-nosed movie nerd side takes hold and I spiral into obscure references and hipster chat. Which, by the way, I totally liked the BBC before it was cool….
Where to start with this one? The problem I always find myself having when I watch a movie I actually end up enjoying is finding the right words to convey my positive review. It’s far easier to convey the idea of a movie being so terrible that it makes you feel like vomiting on everything the film makers love then it is to explain why a movie helped restore your faith in the world. I guess after a whole month of cheap Nic Cage entertainment, this slow paced intellectual piece was well appreciated. Here we are, that’s where we’ll start. The actual tone of the movie!
Sullen, dark, and as dreary as a fog covered morning in spring. Every part of this movie just felt as though it had been washed over with mundane grey paint and felt like every moment lasted forever. The slow pace of the movie really forced you to concentrate and gave you time to really focus on all the information that the characters kept throwing at you. In any other case I would find movies with slow pacing and bland cinematography to be boring as shit and completely unable to hold my attention past the first ten minutes  but, much like Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, it all worked together incredibly well! The movie dealt with everything in a very sobering light despite the fact that the murders that happen with the film are brutal as all hell. The little girls dead body had fucking swan wings sown onto it’s back. I actually rewound the movie and watched that part again to make sure I was actually understanding that bit of information correctly.
It’s like going for a relaxing walk on a dull day, nothing all too inspiring but it’s enjoyable none the less, then suddenly; BAM! a streaker runs out in front of you with a rainbow coloured dick singing the star spangled banner. Your first thought being “Is he naked?” followed by “Yeup! Naked rainbow dick man,” and finished with the thought “…don’t we live in Canada? Why is he singing star spangled banner? Is he American?”
That entire convoluted scenario might just properly convey to you all how the deaths in this movie complete jar you away from the rest of the film. I want to tell you of another brutal death but it would spoil something so you all will just to watch it to see.

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Just know that it sounds like a death befitting Final Destination.
Up next I really want to talk to you all about the costumes in this movie. God, I love the seventies. The wardrobe in this movie make me want to fluff my hair, light a cigarette and speak in an unintelligible British accent. The huge fluffy hair and side burns, the flared pants and those gaudy pattern shirts are all where it’s at. You also get to see The Bean in a white turtle neck that hugs all them curves so that’s a major feast for your unworthy eyes. Am I joking? Who knows! While we are on the topic of small things that made the movie good, Robert Sheehans eyes. Nothing else about him, other then the fact that he played a gay prostitute named B.J. Those eyes are like perfect galaxies hidden behind a waterfall of glossy dark curls. Damn son, back dem eyes up!

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I’m sure you have B.J. and you could give us all some mighty fine pointers.
This movie honestly wasn’t perfect. I felt as though the movie started off by promising less of a romantic plot but at one point it turned into a full blown movie about Andrews love of a mother of one of the “disappeared” girls. Sure, romance is nice as a side plot, but when you promise me blood and give me numerous sex scenes you make me a sad, sad man. The movie did start super slow and had it not been for the promise of it being a good movie I might have given up on it at first. I’m glad I didn’t in the end but, damn. A warning that anyone who isn’t used to accents should keep in mind; don’t watch the movie without subtitles. I’m used to accents seeing as most of the shows I love come from the BBC so I didn’t need them but someone like my mom (who has a hard time understanding Sherlock) might want to stick some subtitles on seeing as almost every line in this movie is of the absolute most importance to the plot line. Even B.J.’s cock sucking line has it’s purpose in establishing how much of a skank he is….love you Beej.
Overall this movie earns itself 4 out of 5 possible sucked cocks. Next week I’ll be reviewing the second movie in this trilogy so if you haven’t watched this first one by then please be prepared for spoilers.
See you all tomorrow for Trans Tuesdays, till then stay Tobly awesome. 

Nic Cage MonthFinale!

Movie Reviews

Sorry I was a Jackass last week and went on Hiatus on you guys, but it was Pride week and I was swamped with events! Half of which I missed due to illness anyway. I also have to apologise because I know I have the rule about my movie reviews having to be done from movies I’ve never seen before but this week I completely cheated and I’m sorry.
Movie: National Treasure
Director: Jon Turteltaub Turtletub
So I have seen this movie a few times before but to be honest everytime I sit down to watch it I end up distracted and I zone out for a good majority of the film. This was my fourth time trying to watch it and to be honest it was just okay. I have a very intense love for cheesy Disney action films, they just have this very specific form of aesthetics that I can’t help but adore. They have this almost Goonie like quality that brings me back to my childhood. National Treasure has that vibe about it and it makes me really want to love this movie, so it sucks that it just kind of fell flat for me in the end.
Just like my first few times watching it I ended up zoning out in the first ten minutes of the movie, it just couldn’t hold my attention in the least and that was kind of disappointing. I found that this movie also suffered from “Pirates of the Caribbean syndrome”, meaning the sidekick character is entirely more likeable than the main character. Glasses nerd boy was sarcastic and witty although I felt as though the writers couldn’t decide whether he was dumb as a rock or educated so he just ended up coming off as this guy who maybe read a few history books back in high school. I’m totally cool with a kids film(cause let’s face it, this movie was made for the 10-15 age bracket) having a dumb yet attractive sidekick, but the moment you have him spurting obscure historical facts that not even Nic Cage or Diane Kruger know then you have some issues with your character structuring and it becomes a bit annoying.
It’s at this point that I am realising perhaps I should have done my usual Toby style synopsis in the beginning but I think I can sum it up rather quickly, not like this movie is some sort of deep 12 angry men classic. Nic Cages is looking for a fancy Da Vinci Code style Treasure that has been protected throughout the years and is joined along the journey by hottie hot hot smart pants Diane Kruger. I might as well also give you the main reason for you all to watch this movie if you haven’t already; Sean Bean=Villain. Done! That’s all the reason you need, The Bean. Moving right along to our favourite man though.
Nic Cages character was actually kind of likeable in this movie, and I think if I didn’t have his sidekick to compare him to I would’ve liked him  more. Admittedly he did start the movie with a bit of Cage crazies by trying to romance Diane Kruger with sweet words of torture and death at this charity event. Yep, because the moment you confirm for her that you’re a death enthusiast is the moment you secure your place in her future, life tips I can really take to heart! Thanks Nic Cage I’ll make sure to try that move on my girlfriend sometime.
As I said before, I really wanted to like this movie in the same way that I wanted to like the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels. Disney action movies are fun and silly and give you the chance to be a kid again and forget about what is and isn’t a good film and just enjoy the gift of immaturity that they guiltlessly provide you with. This movie felt at times as though they were trying to be a bit more on the serious side, it didn’t really know it was a kids film. Like when I was in high school and all the grade 12’s thought they were adults and didn’t quiet comprehend and appreciate they’re true age. I think if this movie maybe played up the adventure a bit it may have been more enjoyable for me and I really think it was this sense of trying to be one of the big kids that affected the slightly more silly sequel. That’s another movie for another time though, perhaps I’ll do a sequels month and cover my thoughts on it then.
I’m just so sad because this movie had everything I wanted and it just dropped the ball completely, in fact it just stared at the ball and merely acknowledged it’s existence then chose not to pick it up in the first place. For once though it wasn’t due to a misuse of the Cage. I really feel like Nic needs to stick to acting in movies meant for families/children seeing as the only people I know that genuinely like his acting are my parents, and as a kid I didn’t give two shits about who was acting in the movies I was watching unless they were Rodney Dangerfeild.

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Rest In Peace you beautiful bug eyed man.
There were a few action sequences where I perked up and actually gave the movie my full attention but it wasn’t all the way throughout. I try not to be too cynical when it comes to movies meant for younger age groups or families. These movies are not made to be classics or award winners. These movies are made solely to shut little Billy up so that Mommy and Daddy can have some god damn sleep….or sexy times. I don’t judge.
I really feel like being to cynical about these kinds of movies falls into the pointless department. Even if they do turn out bad it’s never usually enough to make me rage quit society for any extended period of time, unless that movie happens to The Last Airbender….then I just cry.
All in all this movie gets 2 national treasures out of a possible 5 for breaking my heart.
Regular updates resume tomorrow! Till then everyone, stay Tobly awesome.

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Movie Review Monday: Nic Cage month 4

Movie Reviews

Movie: The Wicker Man
Director: I was laughing too hard, Niel Le something or rather

It’s happened you guys, the absolute unthinkable! In all my years I never thought my life would come to this yet here I am giving into my inner most pleasures. I’ve finally done it…..

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I’M BLONDE!!

Also I finally watched The Wicker Man despite every fibre of my being telling me to run in the opposite direction.
Let me level with you guys, I absolutely lov-hated this movie! It gave me everything I could ever want from my Cage and I have never felt so fulfilled from a movie in my entire life(porn doesn’t count). The Cagerific freakouts brought tears of beauty to my eyes and I watched on in sheer cringeworthy delight as he ran around yelling at women and dodging bees. Enough of my initial glee though, because I do have to actually review this movie rather than gush over the Cage.

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I took note this time you guys so you know shits about to get real up in here. Also, observe my obvious professionalism that shows through in my note taking. 

Alright before we get started here is a brief summary of the movie. Nic is a cop, he watched a girl and her mom die in this flaming car crash and goes all sadness and whatever (sorry Nic, don’t got time for your PTSD). Anyway, the real plot begins when he gets a letter from his foxy ex-fiance, Willow, asking for his help in finding her lost daughter. Nic then goes to where she lives to help her and hopefully get laid but the island is really big on matriarchy so he feels all weird like most men do about the feminism movement at the moment. Admittedly though the women in this movie are legit crazy and men should count their blessings that this is just a movie and just suck it up. 
First off I want to address the amount of stupid people in this movie starting with Nicolas Cages coworker Mustache Mustachio, seriously though what this man lacks in brain he makes up for in facial hair. So when Officer Nic first gets the letter from Will-you-come-save-my-daughter-ow he shows it to Officer Mustache and what is Mustaches first reaction? Let the Kids real dad deal with it….So an officer of the law now knows that there is a possible missing child case in Washington and his first reaction isn’t to alert the local authorities? What the fuck Mustache? How did you even get on the force and shame upon you! Next I want to pick on Cage himself for also being an officer of the law and going into a possible child abduction case without telling local authorities what the fuck is going down with the get down. You guys are officers! Come the fuck on already.
Moving on though because I really want to get around to the movies portrayal of women and the allusion to Wicca. Now I’m not crazy into the whole “Gasp this random popular form of media is an obviously anti-religious/anti-feminist/anti-lgbt sentiment!” thing, I don’t try to read to far into films. Wicker Man though, oh geeze. They do realise they are dealing with a species that boycotted Harry Potter due to it’s magic? Right? So why would you show those kinds of people a movie that villainizes powerful women and a spiritual religion they obviously based off Wicca. Before you all go “Toby, I think you’re reading too far into this. This obviously isn’t a statement about gender” let me tell you a fun fact that I learned. Nic’s last name, Mallus, is a combination of the words Male and Phallus….look it up. His name is literally Sir Penis O’Manington the very Manly Man….man. Plus the gender of both sides is brought up constantly. Maybe if it was handled a bit better and made the women look not so mental it would’ve felt a bit less “man-power! Women should never be given authority because they obviously hate men!” and would’ve felt more like “This town is full of crazies, GTFO NIC!”. Also I am pretty sure this set me back in my transition because even my future testosterone  injections were afraid of the women in this movie. Excuse me while I get my shimmy shudders all out. Eugh.
Can I also say that learning about the bees scene only being in the extended cut of the movie almost ruined me. My entire reason for downloading and watching this God Damn gorgeous train wreck was to see Nic scream about the bees. I ended up finding out after the movie finished that I had downloaded the theatrical version which lacked the bees! Who would even knowingly offer that for download? Why would anyone do themselves the dishonourable gesture of watching the theatrical over the extended? I would hunt that person down personally and sit them down and have a very long chat about why they’re wrong.

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The bees were the real stars of this movie.
I think the main issue with reviewing this movie is finding something to say that hasn’t already been said. Everyone and their mom pretty much has their own opinion floating around the net so pretty much all the points I would want to cover have been beaten dead with a baseball bat full of nails. I could talk about the horrid acting, but that goes without saying

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Or maybe I could touch on the script? But even Nic Cage tried to cover for it realising how bad it was. So really what else in there to say about this?
I enjoyed it enough to sit through it but if it wasn’t for my odd sort of relationship with Nic Cage I really do think this movie might’ve put me to sleep. I’m going to have to give this movie 3 sassy bee stings out of a possible 5.

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So sassy!
I still haven’t decided what actor or genre I’m going to focus on for next month….Either way we still have one more Nic Cage film to go for next week so suggestions are very welcome!
Till tomorrow you guys, stay Tobly awesome!

Movie Mondays: Nic Cage week 3

Movie Reviews

Movie: Trespass
Director: Joel Schumacher
I should probably be upfront with you guys about something…. I have a huge crush on Nicole Kidman. I don’t completely understand my somewhat worrying obsession with the woman but it is there and it controls %90 of what I watch. So of course when I spotted a movie that had both Nicolas Cage and Nicole Kidman in it that I had yet to see, well, I just had to watch it.
The basic premise of this movie is pretty basic. Nic and Nicole are married with some very subtle issues underlying the marriage, and their rebellious teenage daughter totally calls them on it, and all is going quite bland in their lives till some robbers break into the house and demand their money. To be honest I was expecting a lot from this movie; spectacular over acting, cringe-worthy dialogue and cheesy action. I didn’t get any of that. What I got instead was a copy and past script that kept going around in circles chasing it’s own repetitive tail. Nic Cage played this yuppie with no real personality outside of “We have money. Oh, no we don’t. Actually we do! I lied lol,”. He was so bland that I almost forgot I was watching Nic Cage.
Nicole Kidman was, sigh, beautiful as usual. Immaculate in her all her ginger glory.

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Even while in distress she manages steal my heart. Whilst Nic Cage looked greasier and older than ever.

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One of the most striking examples of “sit-com couple” syndrome, in which the wife is way hotter than her supposed husband. To be honest when it was implied that Nicole Kidman slept with Cam Gigabyte….Gigaget….Gigageba….The guy who played James in Twilight, I honestly couldn’t blame her. I felt no inclination to root for Nic Cage in this film because I just didn’t give a shit about him. Usually I’ll root for Nic because I want to see him triumph and live long enough to give a long drawn out, over-acted, speech. I honestly just wanted him to die in this and for the movie to centre around how bad-ass his wife and daughter are. Really though, Nicole and the KidCage daughter did more in this film than any of the male characters combined. Nic Cage just kept lying and trying to reason with the kidnappers and keep his cash, meanwhile putting his entire family through a painful ordeal only to end up burning down his house with the cash in the end anyway! Oh spoilers by the way.
I wish there was more to say about this movie but I can only rant about so much when it comes to a movie with so much yet so little going on. I personally think the movie would’ve been better if, gasp, Nic Cage wasn’t in it! Oh God, I feel dirty even typing that. It’s hard to believe that a movie like this could find a way for me to actually find Nic boring but this movie somehow did it. Over-all the movie wasn’t terrible, it was actually fairly decent, it just felt to me like they just threw Nic’s character into the mix at the last second.
Looking back I actually kind of enjoyed the movie outside of the misused Cage bits. Nicole was beautiful, KidCage daughter was badass, Cam Giga-whats-his-fuck was crazy and the actual unravelling of the plot was fun to watch even if it was a bit drawn out. 
In the end I have to give this movie 3 out of a possible 5 Crazy Mama Kidmans

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Join me again tomorrow for my Trans Tuesdays blogs. Stay Tobly awesome till then!

Monday Movie Reviews: Nic Cage week 2

Movie Reviews

Movie: Next
Director: Lee Tamahori
Oh, here we are again my wonderful readers! That magical time when I review a Nicolas Cage movie that I found on my best friend Netflix. It’s pretty obvious by this point that I have chosen to review Next this week, and seeing as I am slightly drunk on a semi-lactose coma, this should be a barrel of fun or some real bullshit.
Let’s get this freak-show on the road.
Let me start this by saying that I have a very special relationship with mindless action films. I respect them because they’re like a dirty cheap date, great to look at but lacking any real substance. You can enjoy them for what they are and they never try to be anything else and that is really something I can get on board with. Fact is, if I want some meta-hyper-crazy-deep film with an underlying message about our society I’ll watch a douchey hipster film (which I do enjoy). Now that we have that out of the way I can move on to actually talking to you folks about the God damn movie at hand. Which is Next.
Next started out as a super cheesy and lame action flick with no real substance, just like I wanted it to be. Nic Cage was sleazy, Jessica Biel was hot and Julianne Moore was a badass and left me somewhere between being turned on by her and incredibly scared of her….which isn’t necessarily a bad mixture. For those of you who are unaware, Next is about Nic Cage with psychic abilities that allow him to see two minutes into the future and, for some reason, Julianne Moore is convinced that his powers could help the FBI find a bomb threat. My issues begin here.
Normally I don’t nitpick with action films but this one pissed me off so now I’m going to be a dick to make up for what it did to me. First off, two minutes into the future?! Are you for fucking real? At the beginning of the movie Nic clearly says that he isn’t the only person with special abilities out there, so why does the government choose the one dude who can only see two minutes into the future and even then it’s only when it directly effects his life?..why I ask you! Why would the FBI even waste their time on some two bit magician with shitty powers when they could be using, gee I dunno, actual detective work to figure this shit out. They’re the FBI for Christ sake and you mean to tell me they don’t have the movie-verse resources so find one bomb? I refuse this reality and call bullshit. Raven Symone would be more effective in this scenario than this jackass.

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You know what though, that’s okay, I can accept movie-verse laws every now and again for the sake of enjoying a movie with things that go pew-pew and ka-boom. Just as I was accepting this though they threw another huge cow turd of “what the actual-” straight at my face. Nic Cage can only see two minutes into his own future no matter what EXCEPT when it comes to Ms. Hotdamn Jessica Biel. For some reason he can see way further into her future, the amount of time is never actually said just that it’s “further than I’ve ever seen”. So you’d think something this Earth shattering and rule breaking for the character would play a bigger role in the plot. Haha, you’re cute. No it does not. It’s never explained why he can see further into her future and the only real purpose she serves is to get kidnapped and provide him with a some sort of way to see the bomb in the further in the future than he normally could. Never mind that you could have solved this issue plus my first issue by just fleshing out his powers more and making them not suck proverbial dick.
So to be honest with you guys my first two points are just there because I am butt hurt over the movies ending. If you haven’t seen Next and you don’t want spoilers please stop reading now.
Like right now.
Kay here it is.
SPOILER
The entire last half of the movie was a vision?! How? What? Never have I been so infuriated over a movie in my life. That’s probably a lie but I am pretty damn pissed. I was so shocked and angry that I just paused the movie and had to make myself a fucking cup of herbal tea to calm my shit. We go through all these shenanigans and do all this crazy Nic Cage style planning only to have him fuck up, the bomb explode, and then have it revealed to us that all of that was just a damn vision that he was able to see due to the Jessica Biel effect. Then he goes on some stupid monologue about futures and destiny and whatever else Nic Cage likes to talk about. The ending was anti-climactic and dull and just left me feeling empty inside. Like someone had shown me a chocolate cake and said “hey, so I made this cake but it doesn’t taste the best. It’s still a cake though and I know you love cake so I thought I’d give it to you anyway” then, being the nice guy that I am, I took a chance on that cake only to cut it open and find out it was hollow! A complete lie!

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Shut up GlaDos…
I am so enraged by this outcome that I have no choice but to give this movie 1 hollow cake of broken dreams out of a possible 5. Didn’t see that coming now did you Nic Cage?
So this concludes my disappointed and shattered review of Next. As said, I can’t help feeling empty after watching this film. Maybe if I drink some alcohol I’ll feel better about some of my life choices including this terrible movie.
Thanks for reading everyone! See you tomorrow for Trans Tuesdays, till then stay Tobly awesome.

Movie Review Mondays: Nic Cage month part 1

Movie Reviews

Before I get started let me address the title of this entry and how exactly this came about.
I had originally planned to review some mediocre thriller staring Keanu Reeves that I decided to watch due to my friends obvious man crush on Mr. Reeves. However I had a beautiful epiphany this morning brought on by the sugar high I was receiving from my coffee and donut combo.  I should do a month of Nic cage films I haven’t seen yet! This is a big deal seeing I have seen many, many Cage films with my bro Alvaro.  So here we are, Nic cage month week 1!
Movie: Season of the Witch
Director: Dominic Sena

There is a strange sort of horrid yet wonderful appeal that all Nicholas Cage films seem to possess regardless of their genre and I am happy to report that Season of the Witch is no exception to this terrible rule. If you’re anything like me you love to hate the 2D action hero style acting Nicholas Cage has based his career around and to be honest this movie has been a shining example of it. The script for this movie is so splendidly awkward that I was cringing with delight through the whole film. The characters switch between dialogue that sounds like it was straight out of a good cop/bad cop film and a half assed ye olde rip-off Robin Hood.
Ron Pearlman also stars in this film as Sir Nicolas Cages BFF and about ten minutes of the film is spent showing us their time spent battling in the crusades. After showing us cheap CGI shots of different battles Nic does what he does best and suffers what I like to call “Hero Trauma”* which in turn triggers his-and his burly growth Sir Ron of Pearlmans- decision to betray the church and ditch those squares fighting in Gods name.

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Let’s pretend it was actually triggered by his originality and belief in personal freedom.
I really don’t understand why we needed to see the Knighted equivalent to Beevus and Butthead fighting in the crusades when it’s referenced and flash backed to several times throughout the plot. It’s not like they had amazing CGI to show off in these scenes anyway and they contributed nothing to the film other then filling in ten minutes that could have been spent on something else.
Moving on to something completely different though. So to give you all a general idea of the plot it’s just about this group of men, including PearlCage, who are supposed to escort this witch chick to some city so she can be cleansed or some shit and the plague will then go away because…..you know….witches and the plague go hand in hand. Anyhooters, the team is made up of six men including our main men, the men go as follows:
Monk man- he’s a monk n’ shit
Pretty curly haired altar boy/ wanna-be knight- What he lacked in decent character development and personality he made up for in hair curlitude.
Shifty Motherfucker- He’s their guide to the religious town place, also a criminal. I still don’t see why they wouldn’t just send a monk who knew the way, there had to be at least one seeing as it seems like a place a monk ought to know.
Widowed and reasonable smart knight man- Let’s just call him Sir Awesomelot. He was really the only character of interest to me.
With a team like this I enjoy playing a little game I like to call “Which Character will die next?!”. I am happy to report I got it right every single time and I do think that merits an award.
Update: I walked away from typing this to grab myself an ice cream as a reward for winning my invented game against myself.
Back to the movie though. Like most Nic Cage films I enjoyed myself while watching this movie although I can look at it and acknowledge that it was a complete train wreck as far as writings concerned. The entire movie felt cheap and rushed, like the crew just slapped it together then stood back and thought “Meh, kind of looks like a good movie if you look sideways and squint a little bit”.
Overall I give this movie 3 Snakeskin jackets out of a possible 5. I might have given more if they had delivered one of his signature Cage freak out sessions.
If any of you want to watch Season of the Witch and play the “Which Character will Die Next?!” game feel free to check it out on Netflix (where I watch %90 of my movies). Post your results here if you play, if you get them all right then grab yourself some ice cream! You know what….grab yourself an ice cream anyway, you deserve it.
See you all tomorrow for my Trans Tuesday Blog, till then stay Tobly awesome.
End Note
* Hero Trauma: A Toby Term from the Tobtionary that refers to the instance when a hero suffers an event, such as a death, that was caused by them but kinda sorta technically isn’t their fault because of any number of cop out reasons. E.G. In this film Nicolas Cage kills a young woman while storming a village on crusade. Portrayed as his one great regret through the rest of the film BUT  this doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy because he told the commander to shove it and felt really super bad for the girls death. No really you guys, he was, like, heartbroken and stuff so you should empathise with him.

Movie Review Mondays: Contracted

Movie Reviews

Directed by Eric England
When I first looked up the description for Contracted I’ll admit I was more than sceptical. It just looked like one of those movies that use lesbian characters to sex up the plot line, maybe I am getting ahead of myself here. Rewind.
Contracted is a Zombie drama about a lesbian chick named Sam who gets date raped at a party and ends up ‘Contracting’ what she initially thinks is an STD. I read the original description and, as I said before, I wasn’t too excited to actually watch this movie and figured I’d put it on in the background as I finished up a few commissions. About five minutes into the movie I was beginning to regret my early judgement.
Let me break it down for you guys. The representation of a lesbian relationship within the storyline was not in the least bit sexualized. I was so impressed by the way they wrote the lesbian couple like they would have written any straight couple in this sort of scenario. In fact, the couple seems to be going through some sort of relationship “break” so we don’t even see an over acted sex scene between them! That alone really made me feel all fuzzy and happy time. Moving on to the actual plot and such.
The movie spends very little time on “graaaaaaAAAaah I’ma zombay!! Lemme eat cho brains!” and more time developing the character of this poor chick Sam and her friends around her. Sam has absolutely no fucking clue whats happening to her and she is flipping out and trying to get some answers from her doctor. Her doctor, by the way, leads Sam to believe it’s probably an STD on account of the unprotected rape sex.
I read a few reviews saying that the movie relied to much on the “ick” factor but I would have to say I strongly disagree. I found that the amount of gross rotting disease symptoms was moderate and suited the flow of the film quite nicely. I didn’t really find the movie gross at all, then again you are looking at a guy who got bored of Human Centipede so…. maybe you shouldn’t listen to me.
One more thing! The main actress was really awesome. Her name was Najarra Townsend and she kind of reminded me of Kristen Stewart. Not Twilight Kristen Stewart but Speak Kristen Stewart, very very big difference I can assure you. Najarra has this facial expression she does that just makes her look like a kicked puppy and you can’t help but want to pat her on the head and tell her everything is going to be okay….even if her vagoo does end up rotting off.
In conclusion- I feel like I’m back in high school when I use that transition- Contracted is good if you’re looking for a solid drama but ranks in at beside Casper the friendly ghost on the horror scale. I would give this movie a 4 out of 5 stars for sure.
If any of you want to watch it Contracted is currently available to all Canadian Netflix members.
Well that’s it for today guys. Thanks for reading and remember to stay Tobly awesome!